A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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