I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
