If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
