The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
