I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
