im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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