I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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