but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
