I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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