What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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