Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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