Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
