My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
