I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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