He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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