glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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