i just wanna soil my oats bro
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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