he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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