Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My ATM looks so different sober.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
