He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
