I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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