And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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