Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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