I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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