just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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