Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
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I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
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GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.