We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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