When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
