Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
