my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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