i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
