totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
