I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
