i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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