Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
