My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
