I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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