i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
