mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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