Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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