upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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