The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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