I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
