I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
