Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
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Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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