Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
