I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
