i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
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