You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Im part way to drunk.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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