Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
