i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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