He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
it's great music for shaving your balls
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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