I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
A+ Viking dick
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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