I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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