My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
