2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
