Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i believe in u and ur pee
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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