Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
