I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
