If that was your dad, he is hot
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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