look no pants
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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