You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
