Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My underwear smells like fireworks.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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