Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
